


We should be sexual aka Dead or not, Socks on doorknobs are an obvious sign

by Brain_Brainson



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: A bit OOC?, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Kissing, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Sexual Content, but it's also very soft, i guess, idk this came to me yesterday and I couldn't stop myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 09:25:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18385619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: “I really didn’t wanna disturb you,” she says and then hastily adds: “I did knock!”Or the thrilling story of how all of Diego's siblings manage to walk in on him and Luther. Every. Single. Time.How many years for murder again?





	We should be sexual aka Dead or not, Socks on doorknobs are an obvious sign

**Author's Note:**

> We need more Luego content, so here I am.
> 
> This is mostly nonsensical bs with awkward smut in-between so strap in! It's gonna be one hell of a ride

If Diego were to travel back in time -  _ again _ \- to try and explain to his younger self that the hot feeling stirring low in his gut every time he started an argument with Luther, pushing close enough they were nose to nose and gleefully taking in his flushed face, was, in fact,  _ not  _ caused by immense hatred for his quasi brother but rather a sign of attraction, his younger self would probably think he was under some kind of drug influence, maybe even a spell. 

Or he would go straight to gutting the weird guy who keeps spouting nonsense about the future and accuses him of having the hots for his brother. 

 

Fortunately, adult Diego has already spent a healthy amount of time mentally freaking out about his traitorous heart (complete with breaking down in front of Klaus and bitching about Luther and the way he made his face heat up and his stutter return) and frankly, doesn’t give a damn about what his kid self may think about him. 

 

Especially not now, not being pinned against the wall like that, legs wrapped around Luther’s waist, ankles hooked over each other and arms looped around Luther’s neck, holding on like crazy as Luther is kissing along his jaw. 

 

They’re in Diego’s room and there’s a dresser right next to them, but instead of plopping Diego on top of it and just standing between his legs while making out, Luther is holding him up just like that, hands on his ass and yeah, maybe that gets Diego going more than anything else would have. 

 

It’s not rough - it never is - Luther holding him like he’s afraid of breaking him, nose nuzzling his cheek and Diego sighs, something meaningful stirring his heart. 

 

Still, these days it doesn’t take a lot from Luther to get Diego’s dick hard and his mind hazy and despite not really touching him, Diego feels close, embarrassingly so.

He blames it on the barely there whines coming from Luther as he’s panting into Diego’s neck, pressing closer, gently crowding further into Diego’s space. 

 

“That’s it, baby,” Diego says, breathes really, because he’s light-headed and Luther’s started to grind their erections together ever so slightly. “You’re doing so good.”

 

Luther coos, body jerking forward and maybe Diego would’ve snorted at how fucking easy Luther is if he weren’t so distracted by him latching onto Diego’s neck, sucking a hickey into the skin. 

 

Diego arches his back, trying to push against Luther’s dick and eventually, he builds up a rhythm, meeting Luther’s sloppy thrusts and it’s fucking _ great _ , it’s  _ awesome _ , and Luther is mumbling nonsense into Diego’s skin, things he can barely make out over his own harsh breathing but the out of context words he does catch make his heart beat faster, low whine escaping his mouth. 

 

“Beautiful -...... - so glad - ….. - all pretty - ….-  _ love… _ ”

 

Then Luther’s nipping at his throat and Diego throws his head back, eyes opening….

…..and falling onto a rather shocked Allison standing in the doorway, mouth open. 

 

“Shit!” Diego is pushing at Luther’s shoulders in an instant, desperate to get him off and save at least some of his dignity. 

 

Luther makes a questioning noise in the back of his throat but he backs off, lowering Diego enough he can get his feet on the floor again, hand going from Diego’s ass to his waist instead, thumbs rubbing over his ribs. 

 

“What is it?” He sounds wrecked, voice raspy, but there’s also worry edged into it, Luther’s ever present self-consciousness bubbling up. “Did I do something wrong?”

 

Diego can’t speak, knows he wouldn’t get a proper word out, not right now, so he only jerks his head in Allison’s direction, praying to whoever’s up there that maybe - just maybe - someone has mercy with him and his sister has left while Diego was busy trying to get Luther to stop leaving love bites all over his skin. 

 

But no, she's still there, jaw still slack, but now her eyebrows are also raised, like she can't believe she's still seeing her two brothers in a more than compromising situation. 

If Diego were more collected and most of his blood wasn't still fueling his boner - still up and ready despite it all - maybe he would snap at his sister, tell her to get out, or at least ask her what the fuck she thinks she's looking at. 

 

But as it is now, Diego says nothing, only waits for Luther to follow his line of sight. 

Luther does, yelping rather impressively when he notices they're not alone in the room anymore. 

He leaps forward, covering Diego with his body even though they didn't even get to undress each other yet - something Diego is very adamant about even with Luther's awkwardness, preferring to have Diego be the one totally exposed rather than both of them. 

It's a sweet gesture either way. 

 

“Hey Allison! How uh, how's it going?” 

Luther's voice is pitched hysterically high, hands gripping Diego's waist hard enough to leave bruises and despite it all, Diego snorts. 

 

“Duh-that's a real ice-ice-breaker, Luther, congra-congratulations,” he says, tugging at Luther's hands, pushing them off his hips and entwining them with his own instead. 

 

Luther relaxes, sending him a small smile and Diego can’t help but smile back, heart so damn soft for this motherfucker. 

 

But then Allison's talking and oh yeah, she's also in the room so maybe making love eyes at Luther can wait for now.

 

“If you promise to never bring this up. Ever,” Allison starts, tone serious despite the haunted look in her eyes, “We can all agree that this never happened and go our own ways.” 

Her eyes flick over the two of them pressed up against the wall, Luther protectively covering Diego with his body and despite that, both of their erections probably still out on display. 

 

“Some more scarred than others.”

 

Both Diego and Luther nod and Allison backs out the room slowly, eyes never leaving them. 

She grabs the edge of the door and shuts it as soon as possible, door rattling loud enough Diego flinches. 

 

There are a few seconds of complete silence before Diego starts laughing, cracking up hard enough he's shaking with it, clutching Luther's biceps, head falling against his shoulder. 

 

“That wasn't funny,” Luther mumbles, rubbing up and down Diego's back anyway, the warmth of his hands seeping through Diego's shirt. 

 

Diego only laughs harder. 

 

* * *

Two weeks later, both of them have learned their lesson (more like they narrowly avoided being walked in on by Allison  _ again _ , this time with a lot less clothes on), so they are currently hanging out at the crappy place Diego calls home - or at least whatever is closest to being one, a place that he can safely claim as his own, for better or for worse. 

 

Key is that here, they should be relatively save from the prying eyes of their siblings, free to do whatever they please. 

 

Even if in Diego’s head, the implications to that were a lot more filthy and a lot less…..this. 

 

“I hate this and I hate you,” he deadpans, swaying from side to side to the tune of whatever song is blaring from the record player. The one that is supposed to be in Luther’s room, untouched and non-threatening, not sitting on top of Diego’s bed, happily playing while Luther tries to get Diego to dance with him. 

 

He should destroy that thing. Or at least make it disappear and blame it on Klaus. Do something, anything, just not what he’s doing right now.

 

But it’s not Diego’s fault he’s in this position, not when all this had started with him sitting in his chair, innocent and unassuming and fucking content. 

At least until Luther had stopped tinkering with the record player and had turned towards him, bowing like the nerd he is and asking Diego for a dance, puppy eyes all out on display.

 

How the hell was Diego supposed to say no to that?

 

“I don’t dance,” he’d grumbled, but he had been already standing up, letting Luther take his hand, one arm circling around his waist.

“Why do I have to be the girl?”

 

Luther had blinked. “Do you wanna lead?”

 

“I don’t wanna dance at all.”

 

Another round of puppy eyes. Diego had sighed. 

“You can lead, big guy. Just don’t step on my toes.”

 

And that’s exactly why Diego is currently being waltzed around his room, despite having zero experience with that particular branch of dancing. 

If he danced, he was mostly moving however felt right in that moment, not really thinking about whether it looked good or not. As long as it  _ felt _ good, Diego had fun. 

But that also meant that he would rather drop dead than be caught dancing in front of someone. 

 

Luther on the other hand seemed to have this whole formal dancing thing down to a T, twirling Diego this way or that and making sure he wasn’t stumbling over his own feet in the process.

Still, Diego wouldn’t be Diego if he wouldn’t run his mouth, needling until he got a reaction. Especially not when it comes to Number One, no matter how deep in he was. 

 

“Seems like you had a lot of time up on the moon to learn shit like this. Figured you just jerked it all day.” He looks up at Luther - and up and up, craning his neck so far he’s afraid he’s gonna pull something - gauging his reaction. Despite popular belief, he actually doesn’t want to upset him. Not too much, anyway. 

 

Luther doesn’t even flinch, approaching Diego’s sharper words with an air of calm these days, instead of the usual uptightness Diego is so used to, and he is sure it’s because Luther is getting regularly laid now. It would annoy Diego if he wasn’t the one playing a big part in  _ why _ Luther was getting laid and what can he say, sometimes you have to sacrifice smaller things for the greater good. 

 

“I used to practise all the time as a teenager. I wanted to impress Allison,” Luther says and wow, Diego didn’t expect his stomach to knot up like that at his words but it does and Diego’s pretty sure he’s frowning. 

Luther has the audacity to laugh. “Don’t worry; we never danced together.” 

 

He pulls Diego closer and he just goes with it, no use struggling against Luther’s grip. Not that he wanted to. 

Luther leans down, looking in Diego’s eyes. “I only dance like this with special people.”

 

As if on cue, Diego blushes. “Sap,” he says, but he still pushes forward to catch Luther’s mouth in a kiss, nipping at his lower lip when Luther starts grinning under him. 

Luther only grins even wider and Diego is about to pinch his side but then Luther is lifting him up, just enough that Diego can put his sock-clad feet on top of Luther’s shoes, standing still as Luther sways both of them around the room, lips still locked. 

 

They keep kissing as Luther wraps both his arms around Diego’s waist to hold him more securely and they keep kissing when Diego starts playing with the hair at the back of Luther’s neck, brushing over the short strands and tangling in the longer ones. 

 

They kiss and they sway and they kiss even when the song stops playing, the last notes filling the room before the record player falls silent. 

Luther keeps swaying them from side to side but it’s more of an idea rather than a full movement and it’s soft and sweet but that doesn’t really stop Diego from trying to get his tongue into Luther’s mouth. 

 

He just succeeded in gently prying Luther’s mouth open when someone clears their throat. And judging on where Diego’s tongue currently is, it sure as hell ain’t Luther. 

 

It’s probably someone from the gym who got lost looking for the toilets and Diego has half a mind to just flip them the bird and keep his focus (and mouth) on Luther, but Luther is already leaning back, breaking the kiss. 

Diego most definitely doesn’t whine but he does sigh, a deep and annoyed sound, just to show whoever’s bothering them exactly how unwanted they are at the moment. 

 

When he looks to the door though, it isn’t some rando but Vanya, standing at the door with the knob in hand, half inside the room and other half still standing outside. 

She has a book in her hand and she raises it as soon as their eyes meet, shaking it slightly. Like she’s defending herself. 

 

“I just wanted to return your book,” she says and belatedly Diego realises that it’s one from his secret stash under his bed. 

Consisting entirely of way too cheesy and badly written romance novels. 

Something that Vanya swore high and low to never tell anyone when she found him reading one in his childhood bedroom, blanket pulled over his head like he was looking at a porn magazine instead of reading about poor farming girl Jessabelle, a born princess who had been separated from her family years ago and who was currently romanced by the prince of the rivaling Kingdom and the farmer’s actual son, who she had been raised alongside with. 

 

The irony of that didn’t escape Diego but he still indulged in it happily, reading the book in one sitting and later dropping it into Vanya’s lap, partly as a thank you for staying silent but also to make her a partner in crime, buying her silence like that. 

 

And now that generosity is biting him in the butt, because Luther is cocking his head to the side, obviously trying to make out the title on the spine and Diego is ripping Luther’s hands from his waist, running towards Vanya and snatching the book  from her before throwing it into the sink across the room. 

 

“Did you just throw a book into the dirty sink.” 

It’s more of a statement than a question, Luther sounding rather amazed but not particularly surprised and Diego grimaces as he realizes just how many dirty dishes were in that sink, carefully accumulated over weeks because Diego was a lazy bastard. 

 

But he couldn’t get it now, not if there was a chance Luther could see it, so he just pushed on, using all his skill to create a swift diversion. 

 

“How lo-How long have you been standing there?” He raises an accusing finger in Vanya’s direction, finding his footing again when she blushes and ducks away automatically. 

 

“I really didn’t wanna disturb you,” she says and then hastily adds: “I did knock!”

 

“You could’ve said something,” Luther says, matter of fact and Vanya blushes even more, spreading over her cheeks and down her neck. 

 

“I didn’t wanna disturb you,” she repeats, eyes trained on the floor. Then, even quieter she adds: “You looked cute, dancing together.”

 

“I’m not cute!” Diego yells, throwing his hands up. Vanya shrugs but Diego can clearly see her mouthing ‘cute’ in Luther’s direction and when exactly did she become so bold?

 

Luther smirks at that, the asshole, and Diego grabs an ever present knife from the holster around his waist and throws it at him, barely missing his head. 

 

Luther only raises an eyebrow at him and Diego walks until he slumps headfirst onto his bed, mindful not to land on the record player - although the mean, petty part of him wants to crush it on purpose, just to wipe that smirk off Luther’s face. 

 

“I hate you both,” he declares, mainly into the blanket. 

Luther and Vanya don’t answer but he knows they’re grinning. 

 

Bastards. 

 

* * *

Out of the two of them, it’s pretty clear that Diego is the kinky one. 

 

It’s not hard to see, mainly because of Luther’s general awkwardness and yeah, probably also a great deal because of Diego’s preference for leather, even if it’s in a rather non-sexual way. 

 

And Diego doesn’t mind that he seems to be the one constantly horny with Luther mostly content with them cuddling and making out, maybe some light groping thrown into the mix. Which Diego is also all for, whatever he can get from Luther, really.

He takes it all with open arms and a melting heart. 

 

Doesn’t mean that when Luther gets in the mood though, he can’t have some freaky ideas.

 

Exhibit A: Diego currently sitting in no other than Sir Reginald Hargreeves’ Office, in his desk chair, with Luther kneeling in front of him - kneeling between his legs - and going down on him. 

 

It’s not the best head Diego ever got in his life but Luther is clearly trying his best to make him feel good, making up for his lack of experience through sheer enthusiasm and that’s enough to make Diego’s toes curl and his hips stutter. 

 

And maybe it’s also the fact that he’s doing this with _Luther_ right now, that Luther is doing this _for_ _him_ and Luther’s hands on Diego’s thighs are interlaced with his own and Luther’s thumb slowly rubbing over his own is maybe making Diego’s heart beat even faster than Luther’s mouth on his dick. 

 

Diego thinks this could be what love is all about. 

 

Luther’s mouth on Diego’s dick is also good though. 

 

But Diego is nothing if not a kinky fucker so he tugs at Luther’s hair, pulling him off his dick. 

 

Luther looks up at him, confused and there’s saliva dribbling down the corner of his mouth and his eyes are blown wide and Diego wants to push him down and kiss him senseless. 

 

He doesn’t though, only breathes in harshly, trying to control himself long enough to talk without stuttering. He swipes his thumb along Luther’s lower lip. 

 

“Say it.”

 

It’s a bit awkward, Luther still way too big even when he’s kneeling in front of Diego and maybe Diego feels a bit stupid with this low-pitched tone, trying to sound dominant. But it’s them and they are awkward and Luther stares at him like he hung the moon, mouth slightly open and Diego’s dick twitches. 

 

Luther swallows thickly. “You are Number One.”

 

It’s embarrassing how that gets Diego going, groaning loudly, obscenely, and taking himself in his hand. 

 

He jacks off fast, tilting Luther’s head up with his free hand, keeping his fingers under Luther’s chin and the tip of his cock resting on Luther’s lower lip. 

 

They stare at each other as Diego works himself and it’s the hottest thing ever, and in his head, Diego’s fantasizing about smearing himself all over Luther’s face and he’s coming before he’s really registering it, Luther wrapping his hand over Diego’s, forcing him to keep stroking, guiding his hand until Diego’s hissing from oversensitivity, eyes shut close. 

 

When he opens them, Luther’s idly rubbing at his face, come splattered on his left cheek and his nose. 

 

Diego catches his hand with his own, shaking in his post-orgasm haze. “Leave it. Only for a few more seconds.”

 

Diego’s gonna clean him up; they have to get the hell out soon anyway. They don’t actually wanna be caught like this, even when Diego established his thing for voyeurism pretty early on in their relationship. 

 

Just not with any of their siblings.

 

Diego’s still busy catching his breath and Luther’s soothingly running his hands up and down his thighs and Diego’s foggy brain is just catching up to the idea that maybe he could return the sentiment, maybe in his bed, Luther on his back and Diego on top of him, when there’s a sound. 

 

Someone’s clapping. 

 

Klaus is walking into the room, strutting into it really, and clapping his hands like he just watched a child’s play and not something more akin to a bad porno. 

 

“Very nice! A solid 10/10. Even though the kink was a bit cheesy, I mean, being Number One? Really? I would’ve gone for something a bit more….sophisticated.” 

He strides over to the desk, leaning against it and standing right next to Luther, who’s frantically trying to rub his face clean with his shirt. 

 

Diego puts himself away quickly though he’s more annoyed at Klaus’ antics than really panicking. Living in close quarters with an exhibitionist does that you, especially when said exhibitionist was your closest friend growing up. 

 

But best friend or not, there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. 

 

Luther’s standing up and Diego doesn’t miss the way Klaus cowers at his form, even if Luther’s mostly busy trying to not-so-subtly adjust his pants.

“What did you see?”

 

Klaus shrugs but he doesn’t seem as nonchalant as before. “Pretty much all of it.”

 

Diego crosses his arms but remains seated. “And you didn’t think to just walk away?”

 

“I was bored! Nothing good ever happens in this house.”

 

Luther pinches the bridge of his nose. “You are a sick person.”

 

“I’m not the one fucking my brother,” Klaus quibs but immediately raises his arms in surrender when Luther glares at him. 

 

Diego stands up slowly, making a show of taking one of his knives, toying with it. He twists it until the sharp end is pointing at Klaus and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t imagine the audible gulp. 

“You’re the one being killed by your brother though,” he says darkly, smirking when Klaus’ eyes widen. 

 

“You can’t be serious.” Klaus is already backing away, one deliberate step at a time. 

 

Diego pulls out a second knife. “I give you a five seconds head-start.”

 

Klaus is out the door in a flash, heavy footsteps sounding down the hall. Diego can hear him scream for Allison. He throws the first knife with the flick of his wrist, imagining the hard steel nipping at Klaus’ ear. 

 

There’s a hiss and some more rustling, Klaus probably tripping over his feet. 

 

“I thought you’d give him a head start?” Luther is furrowing his brows but he’s smiling. Diego leans up and kisses the corner of his lips, throwing the second knife at the same time. 

 

They hear Klaus yell out and a crashing sound and Diego smirks. 

 

“I lied.”

 

* * *

Diego’s not the cuddly kind. He isn’t, he doesn’t do that shit at all, he’s manly and anyone suggesting otherwise is severely wrong and also in danger of getting their ass handed to them. 

 

So him watching a movie with Luther on the couch, legs draped over his with his face pressed into his chest, doesn’t mean anything. Nothing at all. 

 

It’s just the easiest way to get halfway comfortable, with Luther being so freakishly big and the couch rather small and clearly not made for lazing around, just this side of uncomfortable so you don’t fall asleep as Dad drowns on about this and that, the debt they owe to this world, the duty they need to fulfill, yadda yadda. 

 

Which is exactly why Diego is more or less sitting in Luther’s lap, because he’d rather sit there than get bruises on his ass from piece of shit furniture. 

 

The tv is actually Vanya’s, something she brought with her when she moved back in, which Diego has a hard time understanding but is rather glad about, because between someone who was stuck in an apocalyptic world, someone who lived most of his adult life either with his mum cleaning up after him or alone on the moon, someone who probably didn't have a real home since he moved out of this one and now right back in, and someone who had been dead most of his life, Vanya is really the only one who seems halfway capable of taking care of herself and being an adult and maybe that will rub off on their brothers? 

 

Though it doesn't seem likely but hey, Diego doesn't put it past Vanya to be able to make miracles happen. She does surprise him more and more lately, with dropping the whole having power bomb and nearly ending the world. And - the most surprising part - being a really good person to talk about romance novels with. 

 

But she's currently not here, practicing the violin with some girl from her orchestra, who is apparently a big deal because she's playing ‘first chair’, whatever that means. 

 

Klaus and Ben are off probably doing something that’s skirting along the lines of illegal together and Diego knows better than to ask any questions. 

 

Which means, out of all the people living here it's just Luther and to some extent Five, but they only ever show their face when Food is mentioned or the greater good is at stake. Or a fight over the remote is about to ensue. 

 

So it's really only Luther and a tiny, really-not-so-tiny part inside Diego is glad that he doesn't have to share with anyone today, sprawled out on top of Luther and ready to fall asleep, on the edge of snoozing off for several minutes now, not following whatever's happening on screen. 

 

Judging by the sounds it could be some kind of chase, police against gold-hearted criminal but Diego can’t be arsed to check, not when Luther's so soft and smells so good. 

 

Diego curls further into him, trying his best to get as close as possible without actually having to crawl inside him. 

 

Luther adjusts his grip on him, one arm across his back and one arm slung over his stomach, knotted together over his waist and holding him securely. 

 

“Are you falling asleep on me?” Diego can hear Luther’s voice reverberate in his chest, a low rumbling sound. He closes his eyes. 

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Maybe yes or maybe definitely?” 

 

Diego sighs. “Maybe you are an annoying asshole.”

 

Luther chuckles and Diego swats at him, not really aiming anywhere and mostly hitting his stomach. “I hate you.”

 

“Careful; I may start to believe you with how often you say that.”

 

“Good because it’s true,” Diego grumbles. But then, after a  few heartbeats: “I like you.”

 

He presses his face into Luther’s chest, unwilling to look at him. Luther doesn’t comment, but Diego can feel the faint press of lips against his temple and it’s sappy as fuck but also makes his heart beat like crazy. 

 

He’s in deep shit. 

 

Luther clears his throat, jostling Diego in the process and when he speaks his voice is quiet. Awed.

“I like you like this.”

 

Diego snorts. “Unresponsive and pliant? Kinky.”

 

“No,” Luther huffs, frustrated and a part deep inside Diego, the one that still views everything they do as a contest, is gleeful that he can still push Luther’s buttons. 

He moves his head up to kiss Luther’s neck in apology anyway because the bigger part of him doesn’t wanna lose whatever they have at the moment. 

 

“I meant,” Luther starts again and he sounds soft again, just because of simple mouth to skin contact and maybe they aren’t fighting anymore, but Diego has never felt more like he was winning. 

“I meant I like how relaxed you are. Loose.” Luther thinks for a second. “Vulnerable.”

 

“I could still get ready to kick your ass in less than a second,” Diego shoots but it doesn’t have any heat to it. 

 

“Oh, I know.” There’s a smug grin on Diego’s face but then Luther keeps talking. 

“Of course you wouldn’t win….”

 

Diego whips his head up. “Excuse you?” 

 

Luther stares right back at him, tilting his chin up. “You heard me.”

 

“I’m going back on my earlier statement: I don’t like you at all.” Luther only smiles - like the asshole he is - and Diego’s jaw ticks. 

“In fact I hate you so much, I won’t spend the night.”

 

Luther’s face falls and it’s Diego’s turn to grin, sitting back on the couch and crossing his arms. 

“Oh come on, you don’t mean that.”

 

He doesn’t but Luther doesn’t have to know that. For now. 

“Sorry Babe, you just effectively played yourself.”

 

It’s nice, to have a fight that is mostly teasing, nothing violent about it. Maybe that’s what he was aiming for for all those years. 

He should have been more clear on that though, instead of pushing and shoving and provoking a reaction, no matter what. 

Despite his bulk, Luther is rather fragile. 

 

It is a bit like Diego is juggling with a ‘Handle with care’ package, trying desperately not to ruffle it too much. 

But he thought he was doing a rather decent job at the moment, if current damage mostly involved a pouting Luther and no more broken limbs. 

 

Diego holds out his hand, smiling when Luther takes it immediately, like it’s a reflex. Duck, Punch, Kick, Gouge, hold Diego’s hand. 

He watches as their fingers interlace and his throat closes around a feeling he can’t name yet. 

 

Instead he pitches his voice down, swallowing past the lump and trying his best to sound suggestive. “Unless…”

 

Luther perks up. “Unless?”

 

“Unless you admit that I’m better than you.”

 

He expects Luther to argue, to remind Diego that he was the one leading missions - and rightfully so, considering Diego’s general hot-headedness, but he would never admit that out loud - but Luther only nods, taking Diego’s other hand too. 

 

“Okay. You are better than me and I’m glad that you keep up with me.”

 

Admittedly, Diego’s thrown for a loop at that, openly gaping at Luther. That wasn’t how he planned this to go, not at all. 

The lump in his throat is pushing, threatening to spill out all of Diego’s feelings in a stuttered mess and Diego swallows once, twice. 

 

They don’t usually talk about their feelings or rather, Luther tries to talk and Diego shuts him up either with kisses or whatever distraction is closest. He stuffed a muffin in Luther’s mouth once, when he’d started talking about how much he liked Diego’s eyes and Klaus had come in and cooed at them, like Luther wasn’t coughing like crazy and Diego wasn’t red as a tomato.

Luther hadn’t brought it up again. 

 

Diego is just not made for that sappy shit, is what he tells himself, but in reality he isn’t used to someone so openly showing his feelings, seeing nothing wrong with speaking his mind. Diego usually goes for bottling it all up until it explodes back in his face, usually making matters more worse than anything. 

 

There’s a reason why his past relationships never worked out and as much as he’d like to blame it on the other party involved, he does know that most people aren’t his level of fucked up. 

 

Good thing Luther is equally as damaged then, because he just goes back to watching the movie when Diego doesn’t react, and maybe some people would think that he’s offended but Diego knows that he’s just giving him space, especially with how he’s still holding onto Diego’s hands. 

 

Diego is contemplating whether kissing Luther’s cheek would be too sappy but then there’s the familiar cackle of electricity right next to him and Five’s appearing in a flash of blue, sitting down on the couch, legs crossed. 

 

“You guys are pathetic,” they say, not bothering to look at them, eyes on the tv. 

 

“What,” Diego says, rather dumbly, but even after all this time, he’s still not used to Five just plopping into existence like that, had hated it since they had been kids. 

Well, since one of them had been a kid, because even with all of Five’s equations and calculations they were still forced to remain in their 13 year old body, for better or for worse. 

Mostly for worse, considering how snappy Five always got when someone commented on their body, words bordering on hurtful. 

 

The only one who actually got through to them is Vanya, coaxing them out of their room and getting them to spend time with their family, even if their patience wore thin pretty quickly, Five just zapping back to their room when they have had enough. 

 

So it’s actually pretty surprising to see them around, without Vanya there to soothe the edges, only Diego and Luther, who both never had that big of a relationship with Five, neither before nor after they disappeared. 

 

But Five seems relaxed, taking the remote off the armrest and cranking up the volume a bit, car chase making room for someone being investigated at a police station, complete with good cop/bad cop setting. 

 

Still Five elaborates, in their usual holier than thou tone, but at least they deem them worthy of further explanation. 

“All this weird flirting, like your performing a mating dance no one else can understand. Or wants to understand.” Five scoffs. “Your stunted attempts at having a serious emotional conversation. I liked you better when you were seconds from bashing each others heads in.”

 

“Why is everyone in this household spying on us?!” Diego wants to throws his hands up in exasperation, but Luther is still holding them, so he just wiggles his shoulders, scoffing.

 

“I went to get coffee. I heard you talking from the kitchen.” 

Diego doesn’t point out that the kitchen is on the other side of the big staircase and that there’s no way that Five was able to hear them in the kitchen without actively listening in. Five would brush over that anyway, pretending like they weren’t caught lying. 

 

“I prefer us not bashing each other’s heads in,” Luther injects, like this is a normal conversation, like that’s the kind of thing brothers would talk about. 

 

Five waves in Luther’s direction, a dismissive gesture. “Seeing you two trying to navigate a relationship without any expertise on the matter is certainly more unpleasant than watching you fight all the time.”

 

“Oh, like you’re the expert on relationships? You’re dating a manne-” Luther is pulling at his hands, hard enough that he topples to the side, shoulder colliding with Luther’s in a way that’s bordering on painful. 

 

“I take it you and uh, Delores are happy with each other?” Luther says, ignoring the glare Diego shoots him, pulling out of Luther’s grasp to rub his shoulder, maybe more dramatically than necessary. 

 

“Very much,” Five says, like they can’t believe Luther even needs to ask such a ridiculous question. “I guess if you ever need to see an example of a healthy relationship you can feel free to drop by my room. Seeing as you are family and your well-being does affect my mood, whether I like that or not.”

 

They look at their watch. “My coffee is ready.”

And just like that, they are gone again, another blue flash appearing and swallowing Five. 

 

Luther and Diego look at each other. 

 

“Did they just...offer relationship advice to us?”

 

Luther shrugs. “Seems like it.” 

 

Diego leans back against the couch, letting his head fall on Luther’s shoulder. 

“Our family is all kinds of weird.”

 

Luther shrugs and Diego makes an affronted noise when his head is jostled by the motion. He drapes his legs over Luther’s lap again, wrapping his arms around Luther’s waist as best as he can. 

 

Luther’s hand settles on his neck, fingers idly brushing over the skin. 

“At least they try to be supportive? I think.”

 

“Wow. They deserve best sibling award.” Diego sighs, playing with the hem of Luther’s shirt. He’s not tired anymore but he still feels lazy, like getting up now - or ever - is just too big of a hassle. 

 

A whooshing sound. 

 

“Yes, I do,” it sounds from somewhere behind Diego. “Also, you guys look cute together, even if it physically pains me to say that without gagging sounds.”

 

“I’m not cute!” Diego yells, but Five is already gone again. 

 

Someone has to pay though, so he pinches Luther’s stomach when he laughs. Just for good measure. 

 

(He later kisses it better anyway, so they’re even). 

 

* * *

In retrospect, it really doesn’t seem surprising that after all their other siblings walking in on them in various circumstances, from harmless stuff like kissing to more r-rated things, the only one who hasn’t had the honour yet is also the one getting the full blow. 

 

Then again, maybe all this wouldn’t happen if any of them were to have any respect for boundaries. Or privacy. 

 

This time there even was a sock on the doorknob, for fuck’s sake!

 

But as it is, Diego feels relatively safe right now, in his childhood room, kneeling on his bed, Luther spread out under him, flushed and pretty. 

 

It took a bit of negotiation to get Luther to actually take off his turtleneck, unwanted body mortification and general virgin-ness doing their best to make Luther self-conscious about undressing in front of people. 

 

But Diego had been patient, taking down all of Luther’s walls brick by brick, with sweet words and quick hands, going one step further every time. First Luther’s gloves, then his jacket. Getting him to shimmy out of his pants and then - gloriously, wonderfully - seeing him fully naked, scarred chest and coarse hair and all. 

 

And now that Diego got what he wanted, he’s gonna enjoy this, drawing it out. Pinning Luther to the bed and letting his hands roam, palm flat against his stomach, fingers scratching along Luther’s blush, down his chest, leaving white streaks with his fingernails. 

 

Diego’s still in his clothes, sitting on Luther’s thighs, holding him down. Because this is about Luther right now and Diego’s gonna make him feel so good, he won’t remember his own name. 

 

“You are so pretty, Baby,” he whispers, leaning down so his mouth is next to Luther’s ear. “So pretty for me.”

 

Luther’s heaving under him, legs kicking out. But they both know that if he wanted to, he could throw Diego off with less effort. 

Diego wonders if it takes a lot of restrain, holding back like that, but he likes the idea of Luther consciously deciding not to struggle to much. 

 

Willingly surrendering to him. 

 

Something possessive swells inside Diego, some kind of pride at being the only who gets to see Luther like this, undone in all the right ways, eyes dark and breathing harshly. 

 

In his head, he’s talking non-stop, constant string of words, thoughts swimming, coming together into one emotion, and Diego starts kissing at Luther’s neck so he doesn’t slip up, nipping briefly at the skin. 

 

Luther whines and it’s a beautiful sound, heavenly even, and Diego can feel Luther’s finger itch where they dig into his back, holding on. Clutching onto Diego like he’s a lifeline. 

 

Diego’s sucking a hickey into Luther’s skin, wanting more sounds to spill from Luther’s lips. And maybe the possessive part of him beams at the thought of Luther being covered in marks, showing everyone exactly who’s been treating him nice, making him lose his cool. 

 

Luther outright moans when Diego wraps a hand around his dick, hips stuttering up. Diego nips at his earlobe, pulling at the skin and Luther sobs. It won’t take long now. 

“You’re doing so good for me, Baby. C’mon.” 

 

Diego works his hand up and down, just getting into a rhythm when- 

 

“Fuck!”

 

Diego jumps off the bed, turning towards the door, arms up. He would like to pretend it’s a fighting stance but it rather feels like he’s just trying to cover up his chest. And he’s not even naked. 

 

Speaking of naked…

He steps in front of the bed, trying his best to cover Luther with his body, even if the attempt is rather fruitless considering his slender frame. Still, he’s a gentleman and he’s gonna try his goddamn best to save his lover’s dignity. 

 

Even if the culprit is one traumatized looking Ben, eyes squeezed shut and colour completely drained from his face. He is standing completely still, arms at his sides, hands in fists and squeezed so tightly, they are shaking. 

 

“Ben!” Diego said, voice way too high. “What the F-f-fuck, man?”

 

Diego hears rustling behind him and looking back, Luther is tugging the blanket from under himself and throwing it over his body. And his head. 

“Mum told me to come get you because Dinner’s ready,” Ben says, eyes still closed. “I certainly didn’t plan on walking in on you having sex!”

 

“Well, you did!” Diego throws his hands up and his head back. The ceiling can’t tell him why his siblings are such nuisances either, so he only sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Kindly fuck off Ben, would you?”

 

“You sure about that? I certainly would enjoy seeing more of the show,” Ben deadpans but he moves backwards, still refusing to open his eyes. 

 

Diego can hear him mutter “I did not come back to life for this,” before shutting the door on him, this time making sure to check whether any of his other siblings are roaming around the hallway. Curse his useless father for not allowing them to have locks on their doors for ‘safety reasons’. 

 

The only safety that was in danger was the one of whoever decided to bother Diego and Luther next. 

 

After a moment of looking around, Diego just grabs his old desk chair and jams it under door knob, rattling the door to see if it’s effectively blocked from opening. 

Satisfied, he turns back to Luther, who is still hiding under the blanket. 

 

“Luther? Ben’s gone.”

 

The blanket bulk moves for a second before stopping again. “I will never come out from under this again.”

 

Diego let’s his head fall, sighing. So much for progress. 

“Baby…”

 

“Never, Diego. You will have to set down food on the nightstand so I can grab it and pull it under the blanket. I hope you took a good look at my face, because you’ll never see it again.”

 

Diego sits down on the edge of the bed. “I thought Klaus was the drama queen of the family.”

 

Luther’s voice is solemn. “I have never been more humiliated in my life.”

 

Despite the situation, Diego has to grin. “C’mon. I do anything you want?”

 

“My decision is final.” Diego sees Luther move his arms under the blanket, supporting his point without an audience.

 

“I’ll watch Titanic with you without making fun of it.”

 

The blanket bulk stills, Luther considering the offer. 

 

“.....I may be swayed.”

 

* * *

A few weeks later, Diego marches into the Kitchen, putting his hands down on the table hard enough to make the silverware shake. 

 

Six sets of eyes look at him, all in various states of surprise except Five, who just raises an eyebrow at Diego before going back to their coffee. 

 

Diego doesn’t let himself be put off. “I have found a solution,” he declares. 

 

“A solution? To what?” Allison screws the bottle of her nail polish shut, setting it down next to Klaus’ hands, blowing over them. 

 

“I wasn’t aware there had been a problem,” Five says, raising their cup. “And if there was, I certainly wouldn’t have entrusted you with finding a solution.” They tip the coffee back, draining it all in one smooth motion, before setting it down again. 

“But I don’t have anything better to do right now, so...humour me.”

 

Ben and Vanya both stay silent, never known for leading a conversation but Vanya looks at him, earnestly interested, and Ben is perking up even if he still can’t look Diego in the eyes. 

 

Luther nods at him, granting him to go on and at another time that would’ve annoyed the hell out of Diego but he’s gonna throw Luther under the bus in the next few seconds so they’re even.

 

He starts talking. 

“Since there seems to be a huge problem with maintaining boundaries in this family - even when there are clear implications that one doesn’t want to be disturbed,” he looks at Ben, who throws one hand in the air, the other holding a book. 

 

“How was I supposed to know what a sock on the doorknob means! I was dead for decades!”

 

Klaus wiggles his fingers in Ben’s direction. “I thought you had plenty of ghost sex?”

 

“Ghost sex?” Allison asks, punching Klaus’ shoulder lightly. “Stop it; the nail polish isn’t dry yet.”

 

“Since all of you have problems with letting people have some privacy,” Diego starts again, loud enough to be heard over his family’s chatter. 

 

“Hey, I knocked!” Vanya cries out immediately, at the same time as Allison says: “I thought we agreed to not talk about it?”

 

Ben looks over to Allison, surprised. “You walked in on them too?”

 

“Too? You walked in on them?”

 

“I try not to think about it too much.” Ben pulls a face and Allison nods. 

 

“Me neither.”

 

Klaus cackles. “I walked in on them too, while Luther was blowing-”

 

Luther stands up fast enough his chair falls back behind him, fist colliding with the table. 

“Shut up, Klaus!”

 

Diego has the urge to pound his face against the wall. “Various people walked in on us,” he grinds out between clenched teeth. “In fact, all of you.”

 

“I saw nothing inappropriate!” Vanya throws in hastily, eyes flitting between her siblings. 

 

Five nods. “I didn’t walk in on you at all.”

 

Diego fixes Five with a pointed stare. “You spied on us. And you-,” he turns his head towards Vanya. “You interrupted a very intimate moment no one else was supposed to see.”

 

Luther leans closer to Vanya. “He’s self-conscious about his dancing.”

 

“I’m not-!” Diego closes his eyes. Breath in, breathe out. And if you have to kill anyone, don’t start with your boyfriend, that wouldn’t be the smartest decision. 

 

“Point is,” he says, hands clenched together. “That we don’t have any privacy, no matter where we go.”

 

“And that’s a problem?”

 

Diego grinds his teeth. “Yes, Klaus, that is a problem.”

 

Klaus shrugs his shoulders, leaning back in his chair. He raises his hands to look at his fingernails, clicking his tongue. “Why didn’t you just say so, sweetheart?”

 

Diego’s hand itches to his knives but Luther stops him. “Diego,” he says, low, like a warning, and it’s the first time in a while that Luther’s voice is anything but soft around him. 

Diego drops his hand back on the table. 

 

Five stands up, putting their cup in the sink. “Well, this is getting boring so I suggest you get to the solution part.”

 

‘Murder,’ Diego thinks but he says: “Simple. Everytime I wanna have some alone time with my-”

 

“Brother?” Klaus asks, putting his hands behind his head. Allison pinches him. 

 

“Oww!”

 

“Boyfriend,” Diego corrects, staring straight ahead. “I’m just gonna announce it.” He lets his eyes wander over the table. “So everyone is warned and can avoid getting in uncomfortable situations.”

 

Klaus raises his hand and Diego scoffs. “If anyone uses this system to walk in on us on purpose, I won’t be as forgiving as before.”

 

“Aww, you’d never kill your siblings,” Klaus drawls. He drapes his arm over Ben’s shoulder and Ben pointedly pushes him off with his finger. 

 

“Kill, no.” Diego leans forward, palms flat on the table. “But my consciousness can live with maiming.” 

 

“Alright, you heard that man, no more walking in on him and his boo!”

 

Allison rolls her eyes at Klaus’ antics, catching his wrists to look at his nails. “You smeared them; now I have to start again.”

 

Ben goes back to his book after nodding in Diego’s direction and Luther sits back down, slightly red. He picks up his cards, focusing again on the game he was playing with Vanya. 

Five grumbles something incomprehensible Diego takes as an acknowledgement and zaps out of the room, obviously done with their siblings. 

 

Diego’s content with leaving it at that, sure that he made his point clear. He walks over to the fridge, grabbing the orange juice when a thought makes him stop. 

 

“Wait...Ghost Sex?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Diego, rattling a cowbell: "We gonna have sex now! Hide!"
> 
> Encourage me to write more bad tua fic on tumblr (@b-rainlet).
> 
> Or you can just leave me a comment, it would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!


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